


Alone With Your Thoughts

by windsorgirllove



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Depression, Hatoful Boyfriend Secret Santa, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, not super great mind stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 21:23:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13062417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windsorgirllove/pseuds/windsorgirllove
Summary: Hitori thinks about a lot of things on his way back from the pharmacy.





	Alone With Your Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> This is a secret santa gift for radariant.tumblr.com , whose a very cool person that you should all check out! Happy Holidays!

It wasn't a plan, not a first. It was just a friend - someone to lean on, someone who understood his pain, if only a little. And it felt good. He wasn't alone anymore.

  
But he had a job to do.

  
And people were looking for him.

  
He hadn't been back to Hachiman City since... the incident. But the school staff had to be looking for him by now. They had to know that he was related to Nageki, had to know that he was planning on taking them out. After Nageki had died, he had ran, as far away and as fast as he could. He hadn't made any plans for the future, hadn't had the mind for it.

  
But Kazuaki had changed that. Even if he hadn't known it. Even when he was spiraling into the depths of his own despair, he managed to pull Hitori out of his. And he was grateful, he really was. But now he had a job to do.

  
And really, he was helping him, wasn't he? Kazuaki always said he wanted to die. And Hitori would do more with Kazuaki’s life than he was ever going to. It was a blessing.  
Hitori sighed. Who was he kidding. He couldn't spin this as charity, no matter how hard he tried. It was a necessity, nothing more. At least it was Kazuaki. At least it was someone who wanted to die. At least it wasn't someone innocent.

  
The white light of the pharmacy was burning his eyes. The cashier didn't look twice at him as he put bottle after bottle of pills on the conveyor belt. He thought maybe they should be trained to notice this sort of thing. He thought maybe he was lucky that he never had to be a cashier. He thought maybe this was a regular occurrence, birds coming in at 12:08 and buying out the entire medical isle. He paid with cash and left.

  
There were still cars drifting by when he exited. Only a few, speeding past him as he marched slowly down the sidewalk, plastic bag dangling limply. Even in a smaller city like this one, people were always moving. It made him feel so tired. He missed the old days more than ever on days like this. Living out in the country, life moved so slowly. It really gave him time to appreciate it all.

  
Not enough time.

  
He stamped through the streetlights. It was getting colder. Soon it would be a new year. It was almost a year ago he met Kazuaki, too.

  
He had felt guilty, enrolling in the community college, continuing his education. It felt like a betrayal, continuing his life while his brother lay dead on the floor. But he needed some sort of stability, someone else deciding his life for a little while. Having teachers again helped, even if none of them could help him with his plan. He could deal with that on his own.

  
He met Kazuaki in the dining hall. Apparently it was one of the few times Kazuaki had ventured out of his room in the past month. He had run out of food. In the crush and noise of the overcrowded dining hall, his eyes were immediately drawn to the figure swathed in blankets shuffling to the drink machines.

  
Hitori had snuck up behind him, which wasn't hard to do in the din of the hall. The figure had seemed to be oblivious to everything going on. At first Hitori just observed him. He could just barely see soft, fluffy hair past the curtain of the blanket. He had one of the carry out containers filled up indiscriminately with food. His hands were shaking as he pressed the button on the drink dispenser.

  
"You know, it'll taste better if you add some of the raspberry juice to it," Hitori said.

  
The figure jumped, spilling some of his drink. He turned slightly towards Hitori, glancing at him.

  
"The lemonade is just sour water otherwise," Hitori continued. "Were you planning on just going back to your room?"

  
"Umm..." he fidgeted. "Yes?"

  
"You already payed for a meal. You might as well eat one here. Twice the meals for the price of one." Hitori shrugged. "It's what I always do."

  
"O-oh." The figure looked down at his food, then out across the bustling dining hall. "I... I guess that is a good idea..."

  
Hitori watched him struggle, looking back and forth among the full tables. He scratched his head. "Do you want to sit with me?"

  
The figure stared at him. Hitori immediately began cursing internally. It sounded like something you'd say in elementary school. He should have just left him alone.

  
"Yeah!" The figure blurted out. He cringed, collapsing back in on himself. "I-I mean, if that's okay."

  
"Sure." Hitori picked up his own tray. "I'm Hitori. Who are you?"

  
The figure let the blanket hood slip from his head. He looked absolutely exhausted. His feathers clung tightly to his frame, like he hadn’t been eating enough. Hitori thought he was beautiful.

  
"Kazuaki," he said.

  
A car raced by, blaring its horn. Hitori jumped, flattening himself against the nearest building. It sped on, its tail lights disappearing around a corner. Hitori sighed, feeling his heart slow it's beating back to normal. He had to focus. He couldn't afford to be distracted.

  
He turned the corner onto their street. They talked about everything - every terrible thought that came into their head. He even told Kazuaki about Nageki, one long 3am night. He had a panic attack the minute he left. He shouldn't have told him. His brother's memory was sacred. It needed to be protected.

  
It was Kazuaki who suggested it at first. In a half joking. halting manner, ready to take it back the moment Hitori looked at him funny.

  
"We should just die."

  
Hitori stared. Kazuaki backpedaled, shrinking back into the mess of pillows and blankets in the corner of his bed. "Well, I mean-"

  
"No, I agree." Hitori shifted closer, tracing Kazuaki's hand with his finger. "We should. Just you and me. It would be so peaceful, wouldn't it? No more birds..."

  
"No more deadlines..." Kazuaki added dreamily.

  
"No more dining hall food!" Hitori said. "Think about it. Don't need to eat when you're dead!"

  
"We'll probably die from the dining hall before we even get a chance to kill ourselves," Kazuaki giggled.

  
A wave of heat hit Hitori as we pushed open the door to the lobby. He immediately began sweating under his heavy winter coat. The lobby was deserted. Normally students would be crawling around at all hours of the night, like so many ants. His shoes clicked on the polished floor in the silence. The silence was almost like an omen.

  
He pressed the button for the elevator and waited.

  
It became a sort of an inside joke between them. Whenever there was a terrible class, whenever they passed each other in the hallway, they whispered it to each other, and it made them feel better. But it didn't last. Their relationship was like a drug, every meeting left him wanting more, every conversation gave him less and less of a high. It became less of a joke, more of a wish, passed between them. Hitori felt bad. Bad that he couldn't believe in it as much as Kazuaki. His problems couldn't be solved by dying. He still had a job to do.

  
But he didn't tell Kazuaki that, not when they were lying together in his single bed, so close that Hitori's breath made his light hair flutter and Kazuaki looked more peaceful than he had in weeks. Hitori had realized that he would give anything to see him always be that peaceful.

  
That emotion frightened him. He couldn't afford to care about other birds. It was dangerous - not just for him, but for them as well. Everyone else he loved died because he couldn't protect them.

  
He was already busy avenging one dead loved one, he couldn't deal with another one.

  
Hitori huffed a laugh. It was almost a joke. The elevator climbed steadily.

  
It wouldn't be for very long. Well, it would be eternity, but still. It wouldn't be long until Hitori joined him. It wouldn't take too long to return to St Pigionations - even now they were looking for new teachers, people who were completely unconnected to the fire. Even though he was so reclusive, barely ever attending classes anymore, Kazuaki's grades were still good enough to graduate with a teaching degree. They only had one more semester of college after this; only a few months Hitori had to impersonate him before he was free, among people who had never met either of them. He practiced as he walked down the hallway, slow soft steps, dragging his feet. He had to focus. No emotions.

  
His hands fumbled with the keys.

  
He pushed open the door.

  
Kazuaki looked up when he came in. He had been staring absently at his journal. "Hitori?"

  
Hitori's breath caught in his throat. He would miss him.

  
"Let's do it." He held out the bag. "Tonight.


End file.
